Wednesday, December 06, 2006

:: . ::

I think


it's a bad day, today.

Because of the morning, and now in the evening. Well, not really evening but night.

But nonetheless, something's wrong - and i blame all the things that we could've, but didn't.

Then i look back, and i don't just blame all of you, but of course i blame myself as well.

Then when i finally found the silence i started to listen. To everything i said.

That's the bad part about being me.

I hear the echoes - not the actions.

Now i'm listening to the echoes from just moments ago, and i realize - that what i said wasn't fair, at all.

You're probably crying now. I know because i can feel it. It's just my way of knowing, but don't worry - because we all know how i lack in the sense that i really suck at making up for such mistakes.

I said you failed. 'You', in plural.

But now i listen and i know, that i did too.

It's quite a mess.

I guess i was just really angry because i felt that you weren't doing me any justice, by hiding, by..... avoiding being 'blunt', for fear that i 'can't take it', for fear that you would be shattering more than just dreams.

But i guess.

There's only so much wishful thinking can do.

...and i just wish, that all your lives, you would've hade more spine, like me. That you would've been more ruthless, like me.

That you would take back what belonged to you - like me.

That you would be so relentless, unmerciful and cold - like me.



...and that somehow the situation would've been better, when we actually get to it.



















But then if you really were all those things,










.....there would be no 'me'.





And if you really were all those things, then i wouldn't have the parents i look up to now.


I wouldn't have the brothers that i want to look after, now.

































Then i wouldn't have the life that i come home to everyday, now.































_
spoken. at 10:54 PM