:: Weekday entries ::
Just a little something i promised to publish during the weekend.
Wednesday, 21/9/05 - "The End"
I feel absolutely horrible. I'm in the lecture room, freezing from the putrid mix of my own sweat and the seemingly overpowering A/C.
However, i know inside that, whatever the condition; i won't and just can't keep from thinking of you. I wish you could see me now - standing proud and steady, like the commanders they want us to be - trainee rank on shoulder, uniform with sleeves built to fit - a rock so seemingly solid, yet so hollow inside.
I feel absolutely ashamed, demoralized and utterly demolished each time i see myself in the mirror. Though i've gone on and on about how us foxhounds should face everything with pride and strength - i just crumble at the thought and fact that... i couldn't be the one to hold you.
No more escalators, no more suppers - just one hasty goodbye, with feelings kept aside. I miss you. I do, but i guess from here - it has to go nowhere; it's just not possible, and i don't want to make things worse. Not for you, him, or myself.
Early noon on a wednesday - post lunch : I think of you still. Though all smiles and pride during training - i dread the free time they give us - all the neutral and still moments that cloud everything; shrouding then dissipating - to reveal faces of the lost.
I don't see your face among them.... at least... not yet.
Maybe that's just what's bothering me. It's like i haven't lost you yet; but i'm slowly losing grip. Imagine looking first person perspective down on someone holding on to you, legs dangling off the edge : imagine then, waking up one morning to realize in a split-second that you're the one who's falling. Then you say to yourself - "I don't want this person to suffer any longer" - then you let go. Sacrificial suicide. A suicide of the heart. I wonder if you ever felt the same way. That morning, I didn't lose you. That morning, i lost myself even more.
I lost myself in a place that seemed pretty foreign, yet strangely welcoming in its own sick military way.
All of a sudden songs pop into my head at random, and i hum them a little from time to time until i hit their choruses... and realize that they're actually songs i sent to you.
-Sal
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least i don't feel the way i did anymore. No more.. impending sense of doom or whatever. Hmmm... hopefully things take a turn for the better from here on end.
spoken. at 1:13 PM
Just a little something i promised to publish during the weekend.
Wednesday, 21/9/05 - "The End"
I feel absolutely horrible. I'm in the lecture room, freezing from the putrid mix of my own sweat and the seemingly overpowering A/C.
However, i know inside that, whatever the condition; i won't and just can't keep from thinking of you. I wish you could see me now - standing proud and steady, like the commanders they want us to be - trainee rank on shoulder, uniform with sleeves built to fit - a rock so seemingly solid, yet so hollow inside.
I feel absolutely ashamed, demoralized and utterly demolished each time i see myself in the mirror. Though i've gone on and on about how us foxhounds should face everything with pride and strength - i just crumble at the thought and fact that... i couldn't be the one to hold you.
No more escalators, no more suppers - just one hasty goodbye, with feelings kept aside. I miss you. I do, but i guess from here - it has to go nowhere; it's just not possible, and i don't want to make things worse. Not for you, him, or myself.
Early noon on a wednesday - post lunch : I think of you still. Though all smiles and pride during training - i dread the free time they give us - all the neutral and still moments that cloud everything; shrouding then dissipating - to reveal faces of the lost.
I don't see your face among them.... at least... not yet.
Maybe that's just what's bothering me. It's like i haven't lost you yet; but i'm slowly losing grip. Imagine looking first person perspective down on someone holding on to you, legs dangling off the edge : imagine then, waking up one morning to realize in a split-second that you're the one who's falling. Then you say to yourself - "I don't want this person to suffer any longer" - then you let go. Sacrificial suicide. A suicide of the heart. I wonder if you ever felt the same way. That morning, I didn't lose you. That morning, i lost myself even more.
I lost myself in a place that seemed pretty foreign, yet strangely welcoming in its own sick military way.
All of a sudden songs pop into my head at random, and i hum them a little from time to time until i hit their choruses... and realize that they're actually songs i sent to you.
-Sal
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least i don't feel the way i did anymore. No more.. impending sense of doom or whatever. Hmmm... hopefully things take a turn for the better from here on end.
Twenty seconds on the back time
I feel you on the run
Never lived too long to make right
I see you're doing fine
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer slide
I can no longer run, I don't know
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer hide for
it's no longer fun, I don't know.
Well, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you
What I am is what you want of me
Now that I'm not there
Took the tables away from you
It's turned and I don't care
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer slide
I can no longer run, I don't know
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer hide
for it's no longer fun, I don't know.
Yeah, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you
I'll feel the same about you.
I've said good night try to sleep tight
Oh, just dream of me
Go close your eyes cause I've closed mine
The sun will shine from time to time
oh, when you dream of me
Yeah, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you ...
Texas - Say What You Want.
_
I feel you on the run
Never lived too long to make right
I see you're doing fine
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer slide
I can no longer run, I don't know
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer hide for
it's no longer fun, I don't know.
Well, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you
What I am is what you want of me
Now that I'm not there
Took the tables away from you
It's turned and I don't care
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer slide
I can no longer run, I don't know
And when I get that feeling
I can no longer hide
for it's no longer fun, I don't know.
Yeah, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you
I'll feel the same about you.
I've said good night try to sleep tight
Oh, just dream of me
Go close your eyes cause I've closed mine
The sun will shine from time to time
oh, when you dream of me
Yeah, you can say what you want
But it won't change my mind
I'll feel the same about you
And you can tell me your reasons
But it won't change my feelings
I'll feel the same about you ...
Texas - Say What You Want.
_
spoken. at 1:13 PM
