:: Jungle Dreams ::
'mellow'. 'moody'. 'down'.
'blank'.
... i know for a fact how i am and i know for a fact how hollow i've been compared to the long gone characters i've portrayed. I'm sorry for feigning reassurance - but, i do know.
Wait. I do; yet i don't.
Plenty of people make it out alive, fine, and in one piece. I'm sure i will too - but not entirely; when you have to acknowledge the mind as part of your being.
My body submits - and so does my heart. To the glory, honour, purpose, and whatever rambo solid snake bullshit this lifestyle has to offer. My body prospers - and my heart hardens yet yearns for more out of love.
however.
My mind remains the same. It functions in its ever volatile fashion of neurosis. It may have to learn to work with a much different template now - with a different set of rules that are more constricting, but nonetheless it works in the same way.
So now, what will all this mean and lead to.
Plain and simple, i don't know. Frankly - i don't care, neither should you.
Looking back on the three months i've spent, i remember a line i typed before enlistment; with me saying something like 'the sal you know now will be gone forever'. Sadly, in retrospect i was probably only referring to my hair. Scarily enough - those words have actually taken shape. I look in the mirror and i don't see myself anymore. I don't see that self of mine in the photos on the inside of my locker.
I look into my own eyes - into the lines that form on my face and my body, and then shift my focus to a space behind me where the reflection of the mosaic is.
That's where i start to count how many people have lost their relevance or vice-versa. I count that number every day, until one day i realized that i was among the handful that have disappeared.
That's right. I've faded away. In both your memories and my own.
No, just shut up and fuck off. Don't fit me with a stereotype of an over-emotional drama whore. I don't need anyone telling me how it's gonna pass, or how it's a standard thing with everyone else. I don't need anyone sighing and going 'oh dear sal.' I don't need you telling your friends and saying 'aiyah whatever la he.' If you don't get it, or if you can't get it - then don't try, and speak no more. I don't need anything more from you.
I don't need your backtalk. I don't need your fashionable sympathy. I will stand proud, with or without you.
...i woke up to the sound of rain and to the thoughts that my trench was being flooded in with water. That pissed me off, so sue me - i'm an angry type of soldier.
_
spoken. at 4:53 PM
'mellow'. 'moody'. 'down'.
'blank'.
... i know for a fact how i am and i know for a fact how hollow i've been compared to the long gone characters i've portrayed. I'm sorry for feigning reassurance - but, i do know.
Wait. I do; yet i don't.
Plenty of people make it out alive, fine, and in one piece. I'm sure i will too - but not entirely; when you have to acknowledge the mind as part of your being.
My body submits - and so does my heart. To the glory, honour, purpose, and whatever rambo solid snake bullshit this lifestyle has to offer. My body prospers - and my heart hardens yet yearns for more out of love.
however.
My mind remains the same. It functions in its ever volatile fashion of neurosis. It may have to learn to work with a much different template now - with a different set of rules that are more constricting, but nonetheless it works in the same way.
So now, what will all this mean and lead to.
Plain and simple, i don't know. Frankly - i don't care, neither should you.
Looking back on the three months i've spent, i remember a line i typed before enlistment; with me saying something like 'the sal you know now will be gone forever'. Sadly, in retrospect i was probably only referring to my hair. Scarily enough - those words have actually taken shape. I look in the mirror and i don't see myself anymore. I don't see that self of mine in the photos on the inside of my locker.
I look into my own eyes - into the lines that form on my face and my body, and then shift my focus to a space behind me where the reflection of the mosaic is.
That's where i start to count how many people have lost their relevance or vice-versa. I count that number every day, until one day i realized that i was among the handful that have disappeared.
That's right. I've faded away. In both your memories and my own.
No, just shut up and fuck off. Don't fit me with a stereotype of an over-emotional drama whore. I don't need anyone telling me how it's gonna pass, or how it's a standard thing with everyone else. I don't need anyone sighing and going 'oh dear sal.' I don't need you telling your friends and saying 'aiyah whatever la he.' If you don't get it, or if you can't get it - then don't try, and speak no more. I don't need anything more from you.
I don't need your backtalk. I don't need your fashionable sympathy. I will stand proud, with or without you.
...i woke up to the sound of rain and to the thoughts that my trench was being flooded in with water. That pissed me off, so sue me - i'm an angry type of soldier.
_
spoken. at 4:53 PM
