:: In need of a reset ::
I remember walking downstairs to the kitchen and looking around for something to eat. I also remember finding the cereal by the rice dispenser thingy and suddenly realizing how quiet it was. Nothing could be heard for the 5 or so seconds i spent standing still there in my boxers.
Then i don't know whether it was some carefree kid at play or the karang-guni man uneasing his restlessness on his honker (now now don't get the meaning wrong), but the first noises started coming in, and it felt normal to move again.
What i don't remember is how i ended up being the way i am today. Right now i'm looking at the little pin up board on my wall, just to my left behind the monitor - and i'm thinking 'hey this thing serves a purpose after-all.' I see the photos i stuck in between the frame and the chip-board and i kind of realize i have pictures from almost every single stage of my life as a child and as a youth. I see my long deceased grandma - the only grandparent i ever knew, i see both mom and dad in their retro youth, with dad bearing a vague resemblance to bill gates (reasons retro and thus, unknown) ...and then i see the places. Those beautiful places that i might never come to see again, or never will see in the first place.
I wonder who took the pictures because almost every single one uses flash, and in a bright light condition - like daylight plus a window in the frame. The flash sort of... takes away the character of the environment in some of the photos. The grey-carpet stairs we had in the old terrace seems strangely akin to something you'd see in a supernaturalist documentary about a haunted house with no name, but i remember that house so awfully well. Sometimes i wish i could bring someone back to the place, just to show them around and see how much i can remember.
Alas, people live there - and you can't just go exploring someone's lawn for good ol' times' sake, now can you.
I see all these people and all these faces, and i think to myself that god, life, whatever, was very very fair to have given me these people to live with, these places to be in and the distance i've crossed, to make me the person i am today.
...but, as i'm eating my cereal and flipping the pages of the 5th Joe-formers comic book. I just cannot help wondering why i still feel in need of a reset. Someone's told me of how... 'if you had good memories then why live them again ?' But i'm starting to feel like... maybe it's not about the past, nor the memories - but what i'm growing more and more afraid of to come in the future.
I think, especially from seeing those... faraway faces last night, and especially from (sometimes) feigning the happiness and surprise at seeing them, I've just grown so sick of the way i function - so sick of the standard operating procedure. So sick of the protocol and just so fucking penultimately disgusted by my very own pseudo-neurotic bio-machinations.
... strangely enough, even through all the self-loathing, my current greatest fear
....is to live life as a walking memory.
Remembered, but never known.
maybe it's time i had a cigarette.
...what i more-or-less woke up to at the workstation.
_
spoken. at 12:06 PM
I remember walking downstairs to the kitchen and looking around for something to eat. I also remember finding the cereal by the rice dispenser thingy and suddenly realizing how quiet it was. Nothing could be heard for the 5 or so seconds i spent standing still there in my boxers.
Then i don't know whether it was some carefree kid at play or the karang-guni man uneasing his restlessness on his honker (now now don't get the meaning wrong), but the first noises started coming in, and it felt normal to move again.
What i don't remember is how i ended up being the way i am today. Right now i'm looking at the little pin up board on my wall, just to my left behind the monitor - and i'm thinking 'hey this thing serves a purpose after-all.' I see the photos i stuck in between the frame and the chip-board and i kind of realize i have pictures from almost every single stage of my life as a child and as a youth. I see my long deceased grandma - the only grandparent i ever knew, i see both mom and dad in their retro youth, with dad bearing a vague resemblance to bill gates (reasons retro and thus, unknown) ...and then i see the places. Those beautiful places that i might never come to see again, or never will see in the first place.
I wonder who took the pictures because almost every single one uses flash, and in a bright light condition - like daylight plus a window in the frame. The flash sort of... takes away the character of the environment in some of the photos. The grey-carpet stairs we had in the old terrace seems strangely akin to something you'd see in a supernaturalist documentary about a haunted house with no name, but i remember that house so awfully well. Sometimes i wish i could bring someone back to the place, just to show them around and see how much i can remember.
Alas, people live there - and you can't just go exploring someone's lawn for good ol' times' sake, now can you.
I see all these people and all these faces, and i think to myself that god, life, whatever, was very very fair to have given me these people to live with, these places to be in and the distance i've crossed, to make me the person i am today.
...but, as i'm eating my cereal and flipping the pages of the 5th Joe-formers comic book. I just cannot help wondering why i still feel in need of a reset. Someone's told me of how... 'if you had good memories then why live them again ?' But i'm starting to feel like... maybe it's not about the past, nor the memories - but what i'm growing more and more afraid of to come in the future.
I think, especially from seeing those... faraway faces last night, and especially from (sometimes) feigning the happiness and surprise at seeing them, I've just grown so sick of the way i function - so sick of the standard operating procedure. So sick of the protocol and just so fucking penultimately disgusted by my very own pseudo-neurotic bio-machinations.
... strangely enough, even through all the self-loathing, my current greatest fear
....is to live life as a walking memory.
Remembered, but never known.
maybe it's time i had a cigarette.
...what i more-or-less woke up to at the workstation.
_
spoken. at 12:06 PM
