Sunday, June 05, 2005

:: The last weekend ::

Mummy says : we gave the maid a day off today, so i'm going to be the cook !

I wonder how often i'll hear mom say that.

Breakfast was the usual - a little bit like a news update from mom with a nice ray of sun through the curtains and a nice plate of whatever.

The kid brother was around, but i don't know where the baby brother went. Probably to one of his sunday classes.

I received so many... 'last' things today. Like my last allowance. My last Sunday morning update with mom. Hmmmm... well i hope to finish off more 'last' issues at Tuesday's Farewell party. If you're invited, please come. Message me here or on msn for any details.

...i can't wait to spend the night with all of you for one last time... the TP people, the dudes.... ladies from SFF, and especially never to forget the PP boys. Haha.

Mom just came through the door again. I think she heard champagne supernova. She likes that track. She looked kind of sad. I wish i could tell her the way i tell my friends.... maybe something like 'aiyah kanina la 2 weeks only you worry so much for what', but of course it's not like i can.

Dad just shuffled past the door with a newspaper. I could've sworn he paused for awhile as he passed my door. It's always like he wants to say something to me but can't find the words, and ends up just scratching the dialogue in his head. I swear i can nearly hear him say 'no no that's stupid think of something else'. I hope he'll be fine...

He posed the idea of working full time with the government. Even on a political level. The thought of it scared me, and it kind of still does - but i managed to shrug it off with a '...the day you see my face in parliament is the day i sell us out to china'. It's not that i'm patriotic. I just won't do it if i don't stand to gain.

Pretty funny how every now and then when i come out of being dark and abrupt, it'll almost always be something like this - something long and... strangely peaceful. Highly unbecoming of this blog, no ?

I used to always think of you when i played this song. Remember in the Regional English Language Centre ? You were there, with your new friends. I was in the control room looking at you through the one way glass. I played this song for you, thinking you'd realize who was behind the panel. I guess you were too distracted, either that or you didn't know where to look - but yeah you didn't turn my way.

From that day on i always saw you as the one. Then slowly i started telling myself that, 'hey... there'll be other songs, and other people to think of'. But sadly, since that day, about 4 or 5 years ago until present - there just aren't as many people worth thinking about compared to you. It's not like i can't get over you - it's just that i already have; but with the so-called love life i face now, it seems more like there just isn't very much of a difference between being emotionally overshadowed by you and being over you.

I'm sick of this game. Dan, Weej and Merv should best know why, too.

God i'm typing as if this is my very last entry haha.

I just started playing this other track that i kind of... forgot over time. I remember alot of faces and alot of people from about the same years, but they just look so gone and forgotten now. I remember Benny, i remember Eugene (even though we always made fun of him), I remember Juliana, I remember the-now-grown-up Mel, I remember Bryan, I remember Kenny, I remember Vino, Chris...... I remember the other Chris and i remember Pang too. I don't know where most of them are now.

I hope i won't lose any of you the same way - not to overdramatize, but the result still remains the same. A best friend incarcerated, childhood/teenhood friends all grown up and differing in perspective with you and everyone else just going their own ways. I guess when it does happen, it's inevitable - but i hope to god not to look back at some of the people in my life right now that way. I'm sure you know who you people are.

I normally wouldn't say this to your faces without busting out in a homophobe spasm or without sounding too lame, but i really do love you. Each and every one of you, out of just a little more than a handful.

Mervyn - I never thought i could ever find a friend more trustworthy, inspiring, motivational and loyal than the one i found in you. I especially find it hard to believe how our friendship has come so far and i always think that if i had to lose any more friends, i'd hope for you to be one of the last to go. You've seen me through everything - through my first lost love, through the band, through my first major exam, through my various experiments with life, through my loss of friends - and even when we went our own ways after sec sch, you still remained that one constant in my life. I can't thank you enough for just being the Goh Koon Wei that you are, but i guess this humble show of gratitude will have to do for now, until i lose a limb or two. (kidding.)

Julius - I never thought we'd ever grace the title of friendship we once held ever again - especially after my bout of stupidity and selfishness. I know you'd rather bust me in the jaw than hear or read anything like this, especially coming from me - but the way i see it, my apology and gratitude, among many other things, are still due. If anyone's name deserves a mention, yours definitely has to make the cut. At this point i am really at a loss for words because i defintely owe you more than you think. Til the day i actually get to prove my worth - i guess words like these will just have to do. Thank you.

Dom - I never can understand how my level of respect for you fluctuates throughout all these years - but let's just say that most of it comes from knowing that you have always been like my brother in arms. You remember those times in my room ? You remember those times in Lorong Chuan ? Your remember those times at Toa Payoh or even at Katong ? Of course you do - because you were someone who was always there - regardless of what was said, and for all of this - you definitely stand to remain as one of the most cherished.

Daniel and Rayve - The both of you will always see how the three of us met as some sort of... divine intervention on the 'highest' of levels, but i see it more as a lesson and a fated meeting of countenance and mutuality. It was through the two of you that i truly explored the other facets of my 'tertiary' self - like how i always saw Daniel as a twin, and like how i always saw Rayve as an icon of passion. I will never forget.

Dawn and Jena - Like the younger sisters i never had. Particularly funny how our journey of friendship evolved - and how i still keep that video of Dawn at the now-defunct Orange Julius at United Square. I learnt alot from you about being a better sibling to my younger brothers - and i always felt that out of as many equally deserving other friendships - yours would definitely be one that i'd give more than anything i could to see through to our later years as siblings. Girls, please take care of yourselves and know that 'green' is going away for awhile, and that the two of you are constantly on his thoughts. Know that he is still around, and that with this, your rainbow will always be complete.

I have plenty of others to mention - but i just won't. Not because you are undeserving, but because i just cannot bear to write what i will, with the fear that i might lose you all too, someday. Jonathan, Miguel, Nigel, Denise, Varian, David, Fizz, Ray, Mom, Dad, Christine, Aletheia, Midori Miura, Frances among many others.

This is the song i was listening to. (with a few edited lyrics)



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spoken. at 10:51 AM