Monday, September 13, 2004

::Truth?::

I originally thought that this was a passing phase - that maybe something was wrong with me for no reason, but also that i'll get over it and come back again into full being.

Now i'm beginning to think otherwise - that this is the being, and that something is wrong somewhere for a reason.

I want the answers that i can't possibly find.

The waking dreams happened again.

I slept, and kept switching between two worlds - both seemingly in lucid states. I was asleep, and yet awake at the same time.

I don't understand how i could sweat out so much and actually turn my bed and pillow damp with sweat in a room with an air-conditioner set at 24°C.

I don't understand it.

I woke up and it was just so cold.

Is this punishment for something i've done, or even for something i've not done ?

I woke up and like always, sought answers, but truthfully found none. The only thing i wanted to do so bad, and still want to do; is drink.

I reclaim my benzene in the morning, and wash it away, along with the guilt and pain, using alcohol in the night.

Then i wake up and i do it again.

Again and again.

Because i know that in such states - i am infinitely more receptive to an answer..

...and i enjoy it.



spoken. at 6:21 PM